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| Queen Ama's Debate
How does a Man feel when 2 or more women are working so hard to win his heart? Why will 2 or more women have an intimate relationship knowingly with the same Man? Why would a young woman under 25 settle for an older man with 4 children even when the wife is still alive.
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Chris Ben
I think it is more psychological, and when it comes to matters of the heart there is really no formula, that is what my experience has taught me, I have a close friend that is currently entrenched in it and the countless interviews I have had with him have shown me that the problem is usually psychological. As for the 25 year old woman, well we do not know the circumstances but again matters of the heart have no real formula.
January 29 at 1:52am ·
Sandra
Sadly........... we are living in a time that there are not enough role models for both men and woman. People are desperate and therefore give up all sense of reasoning and self respect... this has become the prevalent case and the lack of standards and morals in the society has only compounded it. January 29 at 11:33am ·
Ama
@Sandra how about cultures that do permit a woman to do the above? Muslims are allowed to go through the enjoyment of having more than one wife. What you have are 2 to 3 women who struggle to win a King's heart.
January 29 at 12:17pm ·
Sandra
@ Ama... Muslims is a religion as you know and it is up to the women ultimately that have to find and locate their voices. I have a friend in the office who is Muslim and she does everything that the Koran says that she should not!....A year ago I told someone that if men are allowed 70 wives, does that mean that if I converted that I would be allowed 70 husbands? The Muslim guy looked at me and said no.... but he got my message. So I said to him, he should name 10 benefits of me becoming a Muslim woman and he could not convince me.............this is where I am going with all of this, until you dialogue and challenge people's way of thinking and processing information, many will stay the same and in the same way. ............... I disagree with your statement about 2-3 women who are struggle to win a King's heart. What is your definition of a king? What do king's do? Do they have time to sleep around with 2 -3 women? Would you want such a man being your husband and the father of your children? When I seek to define a king, I take a look at my father, strong, smart, has spoken before international organizations and governments, supports his children with love and correction. I think we need to look at our definition of what a king or queen looks like and then we will know who to give our hearts to and certainly not these men who have an identity crisis about themselves................
January 29 at 12:25pm · Like
Ama
@Sandra a king with three wives can still do what your father did and even do more. We are all Kings and Queens in our own right because we are unique in our own special way. Polygamy has its benefits and disadvantages. I see healthy competition in polygamy and children working hard to be somebody. What I find interesting the same disadvantages a woman struggles with in a polygamous set up is also likely to be seen in a monogamous scenario. What is the problem?. The definition of the union and set up is not the issue anylonger. The moment we stop laying up treasures for ourselves on earth which includes the Men/Women we struggle to keep in both scenarios the more Women/Men are likely to see the benefits of having an Identity.
January 29 at 12:41pm ·
January 29 at 12:41pm ·
Sandra
@ Ama............... I see no benefits to a polygamous relationship. Before I was saved, I dated a guy who was from such a household and can you say 'major dysfunctional' and had a lot of unresolved issues of love-hate for his father and his mother. If that is what you believe... no problem please invite me to your wedding when the time comes.......... You have said it all! Even in a monogamous relationship with others people get involved as in affairs etc... everyone gets hurt and no one thinks of the children... but I will not knock your belief.......... All I know is that most of the people I have met from such homes (except the kids are from the current wife number 4, 5 or 6) are constantly needed, need validation, sometimes the men end up in criminal enterprise because they are seeking attention etc... and the girls go after men are are elusive or belong to other women............. Like I said, I do not do DRAMA but that should not stop anyone else from doing it.
January 29 at 12:51pm ·
@ Sandra I see a shift in today's discussion. What does my wedding have to do with Polygamy or Monogamy or Women who struggle so hard to get the Love of a Man ? The issues you have raised are found in both Monogamous and Polygamous set up and I still stick with this line of argument . I find so much hatred amongst siblings from the same woman how much more kids from the other end of the routine. I am beginning to find the debate in Queen Ama's Food For Thought as a method to link the topic of discussion to the moderator. Please let us separate the 2, then we can make sense out of this. I agree with you those issues highlighted do exist in a polygamous set up but yet monogamous marriages struggle with the same issue. What is the problem? I have seen men/womem from a monogamous setting behaving like rascals and people who have never experienced true love. I ask if monogamy is the way to go why do such people from that background intermingle n marry women/men from a polygamous environment. It should be a taboo for them and not go near the accursed thing. The great men of our days and more to come may not grow up in a perfect family set up but understand the need to have deep n vital virtues of loving their neighbours as thy self. You may ask how can they show love when they have not being accustomed to it from the basic family unit.
January 29 at 1:09pm ·
Roseline
Every human being has a priority in life,men treat women the way they want because they know the priorities of women,what does a woman really want is it love,money,marriage,security,companionship,but unfortunately many women would go for the money instead,a woman would rather have 50 pairs of shoes and handbags in her wardrobe rather than the love of a man,a woman would use another man to take care of herself for the benefit of another man,but if we should be realistic here,when there is no money for some women,love flies out of the window,which woman would want to suffer,or get an undivided attention from a man,sometimes love is just not enough,some of the women would say would love buy my cosmetics,toiletries,if i have not been taking care of my self would he even look at me in the first place,two women are fighting for the heart of a man,what are they fighting for???what do they really want from the man,that is why the man sits than there and laughs,and his ego is being feed by these women,because the man knows what they want,a 25yr old girl would rather settle with a man with four kids because she knows he his financially established and his account would not run out of money,a woman would always want to look good,rather than a young man who is still trying to establish his life,some women would not even think twice,they dont even care being the 10th wife of a man,as long as he his ready to take care of her,she wouldn't even care if she is loved or not,she would say to her self would love put food on the table for me,so its not suprising at all because everything is based on priority!
January 29 at 1:14pm ·
January 29 at 1:09pm ·
Roseline
Every human being has a priority in life,men treat women the way they want because they know the priorities of women,what does a woman really want is it love,money,marriage,security,companionship,but unfortunately many women would go for the money instead,a woman would rather have 50 pairs of shoes and handbags in her wardrobe rather than the love of a man,a woman would use another man to take care of herself for the benefit of another man,but if we should be realistic here,when there is no money for some women,love flies out of the window,which woman would want to suffer,or get an undivided attention from a man,sometimes love is just not enough,some of the women would say would love buy my cosmetics,toiletries,if i have not been taking care of my self would he even look at me in the first place,two women are fighting for the heart of a man,what are they fighting for???what do they really want from the man,that is why the man sits than there and laughs,and his ego is being feed by these women,because the man knows what they want,a 25yr old girl would rather settle with a man with four kids because she knows he his financially established and his account would not run out of money,a woman would always want to look good,rather than a young man who is still trying to establish his life,some women would not even think twice,they dont even care being the 10th wife of a man,as long as he his ready to take care of her,she wouldn't even care if she is loved or not,she would say to her self would love put food on the table for me,so its not suprising at all because everything is based on priority!
January 29 at 1:14pm ·
Ama
@Roseline I must commend your incisive analysis of the topic at hand. Your wonderful examples captures what is happening in the world, relationships and the foundation most are built on. A monogamous set up or polygamous set up suffers from the basic qualities Individuals should have operating in them.
January 29 at 1:21pm ·
Roseline
@sandra polygamy has its disadvantages, but there are other polygamous homes which is a success,of course polygamy has its headaches,women struggling for the love of a man,before going in for marriage as another wife,was she forced???where her eyes closed,she knew very well what she wanted,and what she was getting into so why should she complain,we should take responsibilities for our decisions and priorities,if a woman wants to upgrade her identity then she should get ready for whatever wahala that comes with it,nobody ever said looking good was easy,not matter how much we condemn polygamy it does not stop the existence of it!
January 29 at 1:25pm ·
Sandra
@ Roseline............like I said earlier, everyone has what their idea of success is, polygamous is not mine.... If you have to fight for a man's attention then there is already something inherently wrong with you. Why do you think that so many women are remaining unmarried today? It is simply because they are not interested in going through that their mothers suffered with their fathers as many of them did not have choices. So many women have been told by their mothers to pursue an education and have their own money. There are plenty men in the world, why African women think that they only have to be with an African man is beyond me. Many times people do not know how to love themselves and hence that is where the problem starts. I have met too many people who are from polygamous families as a pastor, those whose mothers are no longer in the house, those whose mothers are sharing the house and those whose mother is the current wife and they allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll have various forms of issues...........
January 29 at 1:30pm ·
Ama
@Sandra I know you are Pastor and would like to put forward a biblical example which I know you are familiar with. Queen Esther was the King's second wife but yet she had a mission to save the lives of a race. I wonder if that would be possible if she went with another single man because she needs to fulfil the perfect marital set up. Today, the church makes reference to her and asking for our dear Lord to raise Esthers and Ruth in our generation.
January 29 at 1:31pm ·
Sandra
@ Ama...............this should help a little
January 29 at 1:33pm ·
Sandra
Esther 1
The King Dethrones Queen Vashti 19 If it pleases the king, let a royal decree go out from him, and let it be recorded in the laws of the Persians and the Medes, so...See More
January 29 at 1:35pm · Like
January 29 at 1:31pm ·
Sandra
@ Ama...............this should help a little
January 29 at 1:33pm ·
Sandra
Esther 1
The King Dethrones Queen Vashti 19 If it pleases the king, let a royal decree go out from him, and let it be recorded in the laws of the Persians and the Medes, so...See More
January 29 at 1:35pm · Like
Sandra In other words............. he did not have two wives and note that our friend who did... King Solomon, had them turn him away from God (300 wives and 700) concubines
January 29 at 1:36pm · Like
January 29 at 1:36pm · Like
Sandra
Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, he was picking a wife...............each woman was given a night to see the king, he was not dating them for 2, 4 or 10 years................Scripture below: A lot of these men do NOT know what they want because they already have issues and then they meet women who do NOT know who they are and there goes a recipe for disaster. Esther 2: 4 In the evening she went, and in the morning she returned to the second house of the women, to the custody of Shaashgaz, the king’s eunuch who kept the concubines. She would not go in to the king again unless the king delighted in her and called for her by name.
15 Now when the turn came for Esther the daughter of Abihail the uncle of Mordecai, who had taken her as his daughter, to go in to the king, she requested nothing but what Hegai the king’s eunuch, the custodian of the women, advised. And Esther obtained favor in the sight of all who saw her. 16 So Esther was taken to King Ahasuerus, into his royal palace, in the tenth month, which is the month of Tebeth, in the seventh year of his reign. 17 The king loved Esther more than all the other women, and she obtained grace and favor in his sight more than all the virgins; so he set the royal crown upon her head and made her queen instead of Vashti. 18 Then the king made a great feast, the Feast of Esther, for all his officials and servants; and he proclaimed a holiday in the provinces and gave gifts according to the generosity of a king. As for King Solomon we all know what happened to him
January 29 at 1:43pm ·
Amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, he was picking a wife...............each woman was given a night to see the king, he was not dating them for 2, 4 or 10 years................Scripture below: A lot of these men do NOT know what they want because they already have issues and then they meet women who do NOT know who they are and there goes a recipe for disaster. Esther 2: 4 In the evening she went, and in the morning she returned to the second house of the women, to the custody of Shaashgaz, the king’s eunuch who kept the concubines. She would not go in to the king again unless the king delighted in her and called for her by name.
15 Now when the turn came for Esther the daughter of Abihail the uncle of Mordecai, who had taken her as his daughter, to go in to the king, she requested nothing but what Hegai the king’s eunuch, the custodian of the women, advised. And Esther obtained favor in the sight of all who saw her. 16 So Esther was taken to King Ahasuerus, into his royal palace, in the tenth month, which is the month of Tebeth, in the seventh year of his reign. 17 The king loved Esther more than all the other women, and she obtained grace and favor in his sight more than all the virgins; so he set the royal crown upon her head and made her queen instead of Vashti. 18 Then the king made a great feast, the Feast of Esther, for all his officials and servants; and he proclaimed a holiday in the provinces and gave gifts according to the generosity of a king. As for King Solomon we all know what happened to him
January 29 at 1:43pm ·
@ Sandra please could you check this out. Esther2verse19. The virgins were assembled a second time after Esther was made the Queen. It is never encouraging to have arguments around the bible because people have different Interpretation.
January 29 at 1:50pm ·
January 29 at 1:50pm ·
it looks as if this is a total diversion from the topic,this was not meant to be a religious topic,it started with polygamy and monogamy,now it has turned into a bible school...lol,no one ever comes to a compromise when it comes to biblical discussions,but anyway we learn from whatever the discussion turns out to become.
January 29 at 1:56pm ·
January 29 at 1:56pm ·
Going back to our topic of discussion why do women struggle to get the love of one Man? Why do younger women settle for older men with baggage? Does it have to do with their family backgrounds? If so why do Women from Monogamous homes who have enjoyed and seen the benefits of Monogamy settle for the position of 2nd or 3rd wife? can one say these women got their priorities wrong from the onset. However, why do women married to a single men wish to be in the shoes of women occupying lesser positions in marriages. What is going on, even the perfect marital set up have failed to enjoy the benefits of Monogamy.
January 29 at 1:59pm ·
January 29 at 1:59pm ·
Queen Ama, Truth is , our society is sick. At the root of this sickeness are poverty; financial poverty, poverty of thought/initiative/ideas and poverty of decision. We have a choice. Personal life is primarily our responsibility.We owe ourselves the explanation and consequences for our decision, thought and actions. Younger men date older women, while grandfathers are presently in the habit of marrying fourth wives in addition to numeruos girlfriends across geographies.
January 29 at 2:14pm ·
January 29 at 2:14pm ·
Roseline
if the priority of a woman in the actual instance was love,and she really knows what she wants then that is a different case,women her always jealous of themselves and would do anything at any cost to meet up to the status of other women,women love competition and would always want to be better in one way or the other,family backgrounds contributes but its not the foundation of this issue,a woman from a monogamous home sees a woman from a polygamous home she looks sufisticated,classy,happy but beneath those things are constant pain,unhappiness,lack of peace which can never be bought with money,women are very materialistic and envious in nature,a woman from a monogamous home would strive to be in the shoes of being a 2nd or a 3rd wife based on what she has seen,she is ready to leave her peaceful home and husband for a polygamous family,when she finally gets what she thought was better than what she had she realises that not all that glitters is gold,by the time she realises that she most have lost everything because peace is priceless!
January 29 at 2:15pm ·
if the priority of a woman in the actual instance was love,and she really knows what she wants then that is a different case,women her always jealous of themselves and would do anything at any cost to meet up to the status of other women,women love competition and would always want to be better in one way or the other,family backgrounds contributes but its not the foundation of this issue,a woman from a monogamous home sees a woman from a polygamous home she looks sufisticated,classy,happy but beneath those things are constant pain,unhappiness,lack of peace which can never be bought with money,women are very materialistic and envious in nature,a woman from a monogamous home would strive to be in the shoes of being a 2nd or a 3rd wife based on what she has seen,she is ready to leave her peaceful home and husband for a polygamous family,when she finally gets what she thought was better than what she had she realises that not all that glitters is gold,by the time she realises that she most have lost everything because peace is priceless!
January 29 at 2:15pm ·
Sandra @ Augustine.........you have spoken well. The society has lost its norms and values and is raising a bunch of conscienceless people from politicians to individuals. You are correct...poverty starts in the mind and slowly spreads like cancer. You can still be rich and still have a poverty mentality. Well said... the entire world is sick and now we see wrong and say it is right and when you do right people say that you are wrong............sick, sick world
January 29 at 2:28pm · Like ·
1 person
January 29 at 2:28pm · Like ·
1 personSandra @ Augustine.......... just when I gave you a compliment, you go ahead and ruin it. Polygamous works for one person alone and that is normally the man...............completely disagree about it but like I said if you think it works for you, by all means follow your heart. Will not be in a relationship or marry a man from a polygamous background unless I know that he is COMPLETELY delivered from that spirit. Too much drama for this drama-free woman
January 29 at 2:30pm ·
Augustine You got me wrong, i am not pro polygamy, i am driving at a wholistic point, i dont even have the capacity to manage two women at the same time considering my busy and personal schedule.ok?
January 29 at 2:32pm ·
Sandra lollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll @ Augustine... I have often wondered how a man can handle two women when one is enough for any normal person... No wonder woman live longer than men, they have worn them out!!!! lol
January 29 at 2:34pm ·
Ama lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at Sandra's comment. That is so true.
January 29 at 2:36pm · Like ·
1 person Roselin I have we stop to think about the continual existence of polygamy??because it has worked for some people who are capable of the headaches and wahala,and the financial pressure that comes with it,but what works for someone may not work for someonelse,that is why people from a successful polygamous background,go into polygamy themselves hoping that it may work for them,when they finally get into it they find out that it was not as rosy as they thought!it was just an endless battle...
January 29 at 2:43pm ·
Ama @ Rose line. Exactly so many have done well in a polygamous set up and very happy.
January 29 at 3:04pm ·
Victor I am not in support of polygamy ,Two ladies working hard over a guy to win him over ?those babes ve got nothing to think about.That lady may be trading away her peace and joy for money.
January 29 at 3:14pm ·
Ama @ Victor then again most women would prefer a ready made man. Those men come with baggage. Why would you want to go with Jack the plumber when you have the option of going with Richard Branson the entrepreneur.
January 29 at 3:40pm ·
Chris Ben How in the hell did I miss this topic? y'all should wait for my comment this night!
Monday at 4:56pm ·
Sandra Ben........now I am very AFRAID lol
Monday at 5:13pm ·
Sandra I am a big girl i am sure that I can handle Chris... Ben how be it that you were conveienntly undisposed when there is a HOT topic going on ........hmmmm
Monday at 5:55pm ·
Chris Ben
Most contributors to this discussion touched on very important issues that affect our society today. I read the inputs from the proponents of the various sects and I must say they have been very interesting. I will approach it from a different point of view though, why are we even worried about the "women" involved? I strongly believe that the children suffer the most from polygamy not the women. When marriage is on the table the issue of love and fighting for the man's attention is relegated to the bottom of the list, it is the fighting for the man's resources that become the most important. It is no wonder you will find that those who have been successful at pulling of polygamy are mostly wealthy people, yes it may have worked for some but when the statistics are taken for a huge sample of the population one can clearly see that in terms of benefits Polygamy and Monogamy are TIME ZONES apart, true despite this gulf some have found solace and reaped benefits off polygamy but I dare say that only a minor few have been able to pull it off. Why? Resources are scarce, polygamy always almost means plenty children and taking care of them financially, physically and mostly emotionally becomes an uphill task. The mental capacity required for a man to deal with more than one woman can only be trumped by possessing more money(resources) in which case you do nothing at all, I mean how many women out there would not be happy with shopping spree in dubai as an apology from their husbands for being of bad behaviour? I know I would :D Equally ominous is the fact that there are actually more women than men in this world so yes I can understand a 25 year old woman settling for an older man with four children and trust me the man is mostly wealthy enough to foot the bill, again this reverberates the fact that we are all actually scrambling for the scarce resources in the world and no one knows better than a 25 year old woman.If I may wax poetic for a moment, the beauty of a YOUNG woman is ephemeral and fleeting, just like that of a flower in full bloom. Once that beauty fades, it is gone for *good*, which is why those who still have it should be applauded when they use its breathtaking silkiness to get that which would ensure their survival and that of their offspring. But take a flight down the scaly and scary stairs of this tall sky scraper called life and just below the middle floor you can already perceive the stench of the abysmal disappointment from those who tried to do what their neighbors a couple of floors above pulled off so easily that it now looks like a sleight hand or should we say life. So for those who just came out of the basement of life and are struggling to move to the other levels and say hey polygamy is not so bad after all, the predictable outcome of that warrior mentality is the failure of families on a mind-boggling scale, as exemplified by the most problems in the African society today. Some fools never learn, and Charles Darwin would turn in his grave to learn that the practical manifestation of his theories expounding the selectivity of species survival still account for so many blissfully ignorant victims even today in the year 2011.When the resources are little even monogamy would struggle to survive, but at least there is the respite that there are fewer mouths to feed, fewer fees to pay and so on. Polygamy has kept Africa in the dark for ages, I am not saying its the sole reason but I am pretty sure it would have a large stock in our shares of misfortunes.
Yesterday at 12:17am ·
Ama
Ben thanks for your comment on polygamy versus monogamy, your strong motions for monogamy. I wish I could agree with you that monogamy is the best way to go. However, what I see with monogamous relationships these days leaves one with the best caption I beg to differ on your strong view points. I have seen a Man who had one wife but 50 concubines outside. While another man understands he loves women and would choose to marry 2 or 3 wives and stop looking outside. The great men you see today were not brought up in a monogamous, polygamous set up, most came from broken homes. I am just wondering if one can accurately argue that children from polygamous homes are unlikely to do well because of competition. Today, I was speaking to my boss who confessed he had not spoken with his brother for 5 years. I asked, so are you from the same father and mother. Of course he said yes. In a polygamous set up you are unlikely to see that kind of behaviour where people isolate themselves from others for a long time. The space is so limited as you say. Going back to Charles Darwin's theory " Survival of the fittest and elimination of the unfit". Let us apply this in an environment where they are so many mouths and hands to feed. The result therein is a healthy competition where people struggle to survive and become someone outside of Dad and Mum. I find most people who are able to hold their destiny in their hands would do well regardless of the environment in which they grew up. Do your research, and you would find children from monogamy do not have the drive and zeal that children from polygamy have to excel in life. You would often find a child who has been given so much space lacks love and very cold. They are very self-centred. I guess this analysis may not apply all the time but on a scale of 1-10 where 1 is false and 10 true I will give it 10 which is 100%. However, it is so sad to see the so called perfect monogamy we see these days are just paper based documented theories, when that man dies you are likely to see 1 to 3 children appear in a burial ceremony from another woman not known by the monogamous wife. Men who go after women because of their looks are rather shallow.
17 hours ago ·
Nasa Isabelle This is an interesting stuff and you guys might be right; but like they always say, truth is relative. it depends on the angle you are viewing if from. What i actually got here is that what works for Tom might not work for Dick.
about an hour ago ·
Nasa Isabelle
On the issue of monogamy Vs Polygamy, If you think it is wrong and you cant do it, your choice and if you think you can, your choice as well. But so long as you are not entering into it to hurt or trick anyone. Am from a polygamous home, filled with love and laughter, i had all the love i needed as a growing child, my mom and step-mom never confronted each other openly before us or neighbours, am not saying they were saints, but the home is matured, built on love and understanding.I prove Sandra wrong, we have no issues, maybe other homes she is used to do. We are smart in my family, we are intelligent, we are loving people, we care about each other and about those around us. My mom and step mom share same pot and kitchen, we cook together and eat together. we call my mom by her name and my step mom, as mom. So, guys, this whole stuff work differently, stop applying theories at all times. not all polygamous are bound to be doomed and the ofdsprings with issues
about an hour ago ·
@Nasa I totally agree with you. I am happy for your family because they understand the key basic survival principles required to thrive in a family unit and the larger society; Love, Respect, Trust, maturity and Understanding. This is the basic building block holding families together, but yet so many lack them and blame it upon the "terms of marriage". It has nothing to do with growing up in a polygamous or monogamous or broken home.
about an hour ago · Like · 1 person
about an hour ago · Like ·
1 person Nasa Isabelle @ Ama, Thanks dearie. am proud of my family and do not wish to change anything, any of it. i enjoyed every part of growing up and can't trade any of those memories for any theory speculated by anyone.
about an hour ago ·
Ama Thank you so much for all your contributions. We have all enjoyed an interesting discourse on monogamy vs polygamy, but also controversial. See you all same time next weekend. Further comments on this hot matter should be directed to http://queenamafoodforthought.blogspot.com/.
22 minutes ago ·
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